5 DON’Ts To Support a Grieving Loved One
To grieve is to be human. So even if grief isn’t knocking loudly at your door right now, chances are that someone close to you is dealing with it. And even if you are dealing with it, too, being there for someone else can help advance the healing process for both of you. But only if you do it the right way.
There’s a lot of ways people try to support people through grief that are actually more damaging. It’s not as intuitive as you may initially think: there’s plenty of seeming contradictions in what is best to do and not do.
Given my experience as a life coach working with people going through all types of grief, I’ve seen and heard it all. Some practices are definitely more helpful than others. And while many loved ones may be well-intended, they often don’t really know what to do and make common missteps.
So here are the top 5 DONT’S: the mistakes people tend to make that you should definitely NOT do if you’re trying to be supportive to someone in grief.
Important note: Some of the things that you may commonly think would be helpful are actually terribly damaging. And some things that might feel like it wouldn’t make a difference, actually are profound in the advancing of the process of grief.
So read to the end for the 5 mistakes to avoid, and what to do instead to help you be a better support to your friend or loved one who is going through a season of grieving. But first, a short primer on grief is called for. Because grief is A LOT more than just what happens after a funeral.
But First: A Brief on Grief
The important thing to know is that grief isn’t just when someone dies. It’s whenever we need to say goodbye–to a job, a chapter, a house, a neighborhood, a friend, a stage of life, a relationship dynamic, or a belief we’ve held to for a long time.
Yeah, definitely more common than you may have thought. Grief isn’t always marked by a funeral.
Grief is the process of making sense of what was shattered, what there is now, and how to process things going forward.
The thing that makes grief so hard is that grief is a complex combination of a number of feelings at the same time. Not only that, but these are potentially contradictory-seeming feelings, all at the same time, in unpredictable rhythms that don’t always make logical sense to us.
The problem with that, is that most of us aren’t equipped with the skills to handle and effectively regulate any individual one of our emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones. So when you pile a whole group of those icky feelings together—anger, guilt, fear, sadness, denial— you can imagine that most of us don’t handle it very well. But it doesn’t have to be like this.
You can think of grief as a season, a period of time of change. It’s when the caterpillar envelopes itself in a cocoon, turns to mush, and comes out differently on the other end. Yes, that’s what’s possible for us. We never make it out of the other end of grief exactly the same as when we went in. It changes us. And we can make that a change for the better, but only if we deal with our emotions in a healthy way.
Or think of it like a broken leg (by the way, the body reacts to grief and heartbreak as if there were an actual broken bone in your body. It literally can’t tell the difference between physical and emotional pain). The pain and swelling is the body’s way of healing itself after that sort of injury. We wouldn’t say that reaction from the body is unhealthy–it’s the body doing its job. What we can help them do is manage the feelings while they’re healing, so they can eventually be even stronger.
Don’t talk so much.
This is likely going to be advice that’s hard to hear because we are a society bent on fixing fixing fixing. So we try to talk to feel like we’re fixing and helping. Or many of us have an instinctive reaction and start talking a lot. Whether about the situation they’re going through, or changing the subject to something else.
In general, regardless of what you’re saying, if you’re doing most of the talking, it’s probably not helpful, and it’s likely just you being uncomfortable being around someone’s uncomfortable emotions (an opportunity for you to do some work on this yourself).
Instead, do this: Listen.
Just be there. Listen. Show love/compassion/patience.
Eye contact. Hold space with them. Just be silent and take in what they’re saying, what they’re feeling. Mirror it back to them (ex. “It sounds like this is really heavy on you right now.”)
There’s nothing for you to fix. And there’s nothing wrong with where they’re at. Remember, the caterpillar needs to be in that cocoon in order to be at the next stage of its life. Grief is a natural, healthy process in response to change and loss. So don’t rob them of that.
Close your mouth. No, literally, close your lips. Don’t just wait for your chance to say something.
When they finish talking, don’t jump right in. Imagine you’re catching a ball they just tossed to you. Let it land. Slow down. Let them talk. Give them a hug, a hand on shoulder, or whatever gesture might feel appropriate given your relationship.
If you do talk, label the feelings they’re sharing or that they’re expressing (“it sounds like you’re feeling a lot of guilt about what happened.”) When you mirror what someone is saying, or when you say what you see, it can help them process it and have the language to do so easier. It can be hard to do.
Remember, even the simple ability to listen and let them feel heard and understood is an immense support.
2. Don't share your own story of grief
No no no no no. Please for the love of goodness gracious don’t jump in with a story about your loss that you feel is similar or related. It doesn’t matter. Now is not the time to dive into your story. It detracts from their story and their emotions, and you start to make yourself the focus of the conversation.
It’s understandable to think that relating with the person and letting them know they’re not alone in that situation would be helpful. But most of the time, it makes the person who is grieving to feel like there’s no space for their grief because now you’re jumping in with your own. Especially if it’s your unresolved grief…..but that’s a whole other article!
Instead: Keep the focus on them.
Again, listening is gold. But if you’re not listening, ask them questions or mirror what they’re saying. Ask how they’re sleeping, eating, drinking water, taking care of themselves.
If they really seem like they’re struggling doing those basic things to take care of themselves, you can ask if they have a therapist or counselor or coach that they can talk to and encourage that they do.
But the most important thing you can do is show a genuine interest in them and how they’re doing as they’re processing all these new feelings. Don’t make it about you.
3. Don't try to cheer them up
Oh boy, this is a big one. I’m sure you’ve heard many of these:
“At least…..(pointing out the bright side)”
“It could’ve been worse…”
“They’re in a better place…”“You’ve got to move on.”
“It wasn’t that serious…”
“It was X months/years ago, you should be over it already.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way…”
“Look at the bright side..”
“Dont be sad/angry/etc…”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Saying any of these things is negating their feelings and experience—namely, their totally healthy feelings of grief. I cringe whenever I hear any of these.
Remember, just because the feelings and experience is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s not natural and part of the normal process of recalibrating after a loss.
Chances are that you don’t know what they’re feeling. Especially if you haven’t done a lot of listening to them first. And for grief to complete its cycle, it’s important that they process these uncomfortable feelings. Trying to just paint a cheerful picture on top of what they’re feeling is robbing them of their caterpillar transformation.
Instead: Show them love for exactly where they are.
Remind that you love them and that you’re there to support them. Offer to take them out for food or a coffee. Don’t expect a response right away, and even let them know you don’t need a response and that you were just thinking about them.
Ex. “Hey, I know you’re going through a lot and just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. No response needed. If you could use an excuse to grab a bite or a coffee, I’d love to take you out. No need to be cheery if it’s not where you’re at. I love you.”
4. Don't assume
Everyone processes grief differently. Some will want to talk about it with you, some will not. Don’t assume that since they haven’t brought it up that they don’t want to. Maybe they don’t know if it’s safe to talk about with you.
And don’t assume that just because they’re going through a hard time means they do want your support either. Some people are more private.
Some folks will be thinking about the loss all day and wish they could talk about it.
Other people will be trying to distract themselves and not want to be reminded.
Others might not want to talk much, but still want it to be acknowledged.
And definitely don’t act like nothing happened, that can be really disorienting for someone who feels like their world stopped while the rest of the world is just still spinning.
So many variables– What’s a friend to do!? Well, definitely don’t just assume you know what they need from you and hope for the best!
Instead do this: Ask what they need.
Let them know that you are there for them. That you acknowledge that it’s a hard time for them and that you’re there if they want to talk or could use a distraction. And ask them what’s best. They might not know, so you can make some suggestions and check in with them.
Acknowledge that they might not be their normal self right now and that it’s okay with you that they’re human and might be having a hard time dealing with this. Offer support, don't assume they’re fine because they seem fine.
Saying, “I’m sorry about what happened, and I’m here for you if you want to talk at all about it. Let me know if you’d like to grab a coffee. Anything else I can do to support you?” is a safe way to express your openness and care without forcing it on them.
5. Don't look for validation.
This comes back to the fixing part in the first point. An important part of this process is to be honest with yourself about your intent with supporting your grieving friend or loved one: Is it so you can feel good about helping? Is it so you can feel like you’re fixing their uncomfortable feelings?
If so, I’d urge you to sit with this. Supporting someone through grief can be a thankless and emotionally difficult effort. It needs to be from a place of giving love. They’re not likely to feel a lot better right away, and you might wonder if you’re actually helping or not. Expecting them to validate what a good friend you are during this time might not be the best expectation. Neither is expecting them to feel better and cheer up after being around you.
Instead, do this: Focus on being there and holding space for their pain.
In other words, if you do a really good job at listening, mirroring back, and holding space for someone in grief, their reaction may be to break down in tears. It may end up looking worse on the surface after you’ve given them a chance to be listened to.
The key is–that’s great. Your job isn’t to make them happy and forget the grief, it’s to be there with them in the grief. And sometimes that will result in them feeling safe enough to express more sadness and difficult emotions.
If that’s the case, good job! You made them feel safe and kept the focus on them.
In my work with clients, my friends make fun of me by saying, “How many people did you make cry today?” In other words, sometimes crying is exactly what they needed, and I just held a space for them to feel safe to do so.
If you can do that for a friend, it’s really powerful. And often it looks messy, but it’s very helpful in their processing of their feelings.
So if they’re crying, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It could be that you did a lot right.
Getting support through difficult emotions
These tips take practice to really make you feel natural. It’s okay, you don’t need to be perfect. But even as a loved one, you might be processing a lot just watching your loved one have a difficult time through grief. Make sure you’re getting the support you need, too.
As a life coach, I’ve seen clients dealing with grief in so many manifestations. Generally, people have a lack of proper, emotionally available support to get through those tough times. If that’s you and you could use some professional support to manage these feelings and make sense of what you’re dealing with, let’s chat.
Grief is hard no matter what, but in just one coaching session, you can learn new skills to help you become more emotionally intelligent and able to process these emotions a little bit easier.
