The Year I Learned How to Love Myself
I learned that I LOVE playing drums.
It was December 2019. I woke up with anxiety, shaking, in a house that I owned, one that I paid the mortgage for, but that wasn’t home anymore. My partner for the past nearly 8 years had recently given me an ultimatum: either I agree to let her start dating another woman, or we’re over.
Welp…. Well. In my super codependent, people-pleasing, terribly-afraid-to-be-alone 27-year old brain, my answer was simple. I barely needed to think about it:
“Okay. We can make this work….”
At this point in our relationship, I was so deep in denial and years of emotional abuse that I had no grounding of how I actually felt and what I wanted. It was just about whatever would make the relationship last. I believed a successful relationship is one that lasts, period.
One where you don’t quit and walk away just because things get hard. After all, that’s what I believed about my parent’s divorce: If they had only worked harder at it, they could have made it work, and hence my 5-year-old self’s world wouldn’t have been turned upside down.
So I convinced myself that I could be totally fine with this new arrangement for our relationship. I mean, I’d heard of open relationships and poly and ENM and all that. Maybe it was just about me learning to manage my jealousy and learn to trust her and communicate better.
It didn’t occur to me that this was a terribly manipulative and controlling ultimatum that she knew I couldn’t just walk away from. It didn’t occur to me that this was her way to get what she wanted without dealing with any of the baggage of actually breaking up with me, calling off the engagement, and doing the messy work of splitting up the intertwined life that we built over the past nearly decade.
The intertwined life included a co-owned house, a mortgage, two dogs, two cats, a business, shared financial accounts, and all the other big and little things that need to be de-coupled when two people split ways.
I gave my all into trying to be this “strong, accepting, and more-emotionally-evolved and non-jealous” person who could be okay with the fact that my partner was leaving for a date with her new girlfriend, coming home with new gifts and gestures of their new relationship.
So there I was, heartbroken, barely eating, and unable to even leave the couch from the grief and heaviness of it all. I tried to be communicative about what I was feeling, because I was always told what a terrible communicator I was, and that basically, this was all my fault. She didn’t want to hear about my grief and heartbreak, it was just a downer to the amazing new relationship energy she was enraptured with.
Realizing I was in an abusive relationship
I lasted only a couple of days like this. And then, something snapped in me. It’s almost like I was in so much pain that I woke up for the first time in our whole relationship to a realization:
This wasn’t someone who wanted a relationship with me rooted in love, honesty, and mutual respect for each other. This was someone who was just looking out for herself.
And when that something snapped in my brain, it became clear that I didn’t want to be here with her anymore. I didn’t want to work on this anymore. I was done.
It’s like I saw the situation clearly for the first time: the manipulation, the degradation, the emotional abuse, the years of grooming and taking advantage of my innocence and naivety.
All of a sudden, all the pieces started coming together in a different way. It’s not that I had been a super mature 19-year old who met a 27-year old and built a life with them. It’s that I was a naive and easily manipulated, groomed teen who had just come out as a lesbian after years of internal struggle, and found myself with someone who most definitely did not have my best interests at heart.
But just as concerning as that realization was a total confusion and self-judgement: How did I get here? How did I allow myself to get so deep in the trenches with someone who would treat me with such utter disregard? Why would I allow this for so long?
Making the decision to do the inner work
That’s when I decided that the next year of my life I’d dedicate to learning how to love myself. If I didn’t, I ran the risk of ending up in a similar situation all over again with someone else. And I wasn’t willing to do that. The pain was just too great. It wasn’t just a break up I was dealing with, it was more like a divorce.
It almost took a year to get everything untangled between the house and finances. I had to get a lawyer because the manipulation and bullying wouldn’t stop, even as I was trying to untie the last threads connecting us.
But at that time, I did a lot of work on myself. I decided that 2020 would be the year that I’d finally learn who Jolie is. (The pandemic actually made it perfect. I came to call it my “Cocoon Year.” Like when a caterpillar goes in the cocoon, turns into mush, and then reemerges as a butterfly.)
And I realized– how can I learn how to love myself if I don’t even like myself? And how can I like myself if I don’t even know who I am?
After years of narcissistic gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional abuse, I didn’t know much about myself. For years I was told that I wasn’t all that smart, that I wasn’t funny, and definitely not attractive. And I believed it.
I believed I was a terrible communicator, and that all the problems in the relationship were my fault. So you can imagine, my self-confidence and self-esteem weren’t all that high. But I did have an idea how I might be able to get out of this mess.
My 3-Step Plan For Self-Love
I had to start really from ground zero if I was going to really make this whole self love thing happen. I came up with a 3-step plan.
Get to know Jolie.
Learn to accept Jolie.
Learn to love Jolie.
It was a great plan. And it worked.
Step 1: Get to know Jolie.
I can’t love myself when I don’t even know who I am.
So I started a journey of gathering evidence, so to speak. Evidence of who I was. I kept a journal and would write down whenever anyone said something about me, unprompted. At work, the cashier, a friend, a neighbor, whatever.
It was a journal about me, but with none of my own words. Somehow, that gave it more power, more trustworthiness.
“You’re so thoughtful.”
“You’re so kind.”
“You always have a creative way of looking at things.”
“You’re so funny.”
“You look great today.”
All these little moments would go in the journal. Eventually, I’d start to see patterns from all these different people who didn’t even know each other. They were all reflecting similar things about me. Woah. Would you look at that…maybe there’s a common denominator here…being that they are just plainly seeing who I am.
Once I spotted these trends, I practiced saying them to myself. And even if I couldn’t believe them yet, I could believe that a lot of other people believe this about me. And maybe it’s not just a coincidence.
Being gentle with myself
Recovering from having your brain toyed with every day for years is a slow process. So I had to be patient and gentle with myself. I had to give myself permission for not knowing a lot of things I felt like I should obviously know…
Like what kind of shower curtain should I buy for my apartment? What kind of trash can? One day in Marshalls, I nearly broke down crying, right there in the middle of the aisle, because it was so overwhelming to pick a trash can. I didn’t even know what I liked. And that felt really sad.
But I kept going.
My Joy Journal
I also started a journal with just moments that brought me joy or clarity about who I was or what I liked. One of my first entries was about how I like vinegary foods. I honestly didn’t consciously realize that.
I was used to letting someone else order for me when I went to a restaurant, because I didn’t even trust myself to order the “right” thing off the menu.
And I had to learn how to forgive myself, too, for not knowing then what I knew now. I had to forgive the previous version of myself, because she did the best she could with the limited knowledge she had. And today, I knew better, so I could do better.
Step 2: Learn to accept Jolie.
I started a habit that might seem weird, but that actually really helped me start to tune into my body and show myself kindness with accepting myself.
I had a habit of when I was out and about shopping or at a friend's house or whatever, that if I needed to use the bathroom, I would tell myself to hold it until I got home and not interrupt whatever was happening at the moment. I made myself a promise at the beginning of 2020 that I wouldn’t make myself wait if I had to use the bathroom anymore.
If I was out shopping, great, I can use their restroom, it’s okay to take a couple minutes so I’m not as uncomfortable. Home Depot? No problem, they have a restroom, too. At the grocery store? Oh, look at that, they have a restroom. Visiting a friend? Oh, look at that, they don’t mind me excusing myself and being by themselves for a few minutes. Who woulda thunk?
This wasn’t something anyone else would overtly notice, but it helped me start to do super small and private gestures like this to show myself that I cared about me, and that I wanted to be kind to myself.
Those smallest gestures and moments paved the way for the biggest shifts.
I was beginning to learn who I was and slowly become okay with it.
Step 3: Learn to love Jolie.
Over time, I wasn’t just “okay” and accepting of myself, I did inner child work to really feel a strong sense of love with myself.
I had to confront the different traumas that I’d never processed before: the childhood stuff, the abandonment, the sexual, emotional, and physical abuse.
There was lots of grief I had to process in order to get to that place of getting to the other side, but it was worth it more than anything. It was so transformative, that it forms a lot of the work I do with my coaching clients today–is helping them make peace with these different parts of themselves and finally learn to let go of the hard stuff they’ve been carrying for years or even decades.
Most of which are just younger versions of ourselves that were looking for love and safety.
Unconditional love: Being a friend to myself
Anyway, the journey of self-love isn’t a checkmark type of venture. It’s an onion that I’ve learned I need to keep peeling. There’s more and more layers of it that I’m learning to develop a deeper understanding of myself, and a feeling of trust and safety that I can know that I can trust myself and that I’ve got my back. I’m working on being a better and better friend to myself.
And to feel a love that is unconditional has been so wild. I wasn’t raised with that feeling. The love I received felt very conditional and felt always at risk of being taken away. Unconditional love for myself doesn’t depend on what I do or how well I do or what I accomplish or how productive I am or how many people I help or how much money I make.
Today, I love me, just because.
If I make tons of mistakes, and do something wrong, do things I lately regret, I can still love myself through it.
When I’m super emotional and sensitive about something that doesn’t logically seem to make sense, I can still love myself through it.
When I feel scared or uncertain about the future, or when I’m beating myself up for something, I can love myself through it.
And I also only surround myself with people who meet my standard of love, care, and respect for myself. I don’t allow toxic people into my sphere. I practice boundaries, and I protect my peace. It’s hard sometimes, but it’s worth it.
Anyway, It’s been the journey of a lifetime.
There’s so much more I could share about the journey. But for today, that should give you an idea.
Self-Love: The Journey of a Lifetime
If you’re debating whether you want to go on that journey yourself, know this: there’s nothing you could do in this life that will be more worthwhile. There is nothing that will pay off with more dividends than the work and time and effort you put into your inner work.
One thing also worth noting is that none of this work could’ve happened without lots of loving support from people in my life. I needed to relearn what healthy relationships felt like, and I have my friends and support system to thank for being an example of that for me.
If you could use some support along the way, drop me a message: I’m honored to walk alongside you on your journey, or to even point you in the direction of some resources that I found helpful along the way. My blog also has plenty of breadcrumbs from my journey to help you along in yours.
Thanks for reading my story. Listen, I believe in you. You’ve got this.
And I love you. Just for being you.
Love,
Jolie
